humor – My Mom is the Worst

ALL the Birth (Book) Details – Slighty Less Graphic than My Birth Video

Can you imagine being pregnant and having the “due date” continuously pushed back, week after week?

At some point you might just think you are going to stay pregnant forever.

Many times I felt that way during the writing of the latest book. Things took far longer than I expected to come together. It literally ended up taking nine months from the time I put a call out that I was looking for positive, minimal intervention birth stories to then compile, write, edit, format, and publish this baby. And like an anxious mama-to-be, I was losing my patience with the process toward the end.

Even the name took longer than expected to choose. But a title, is pretty important. It will be around for a while. I wanted a strong title, yet one that wasn’t too “birthy.” So like most of us do when we are expecting, I made lists and ran them by friends (and fans) to gauge their reaction.

But ultimatly the decision was mine. This book was my baby. The final title is one I feel honors the women that shared their positive birth stories in the book. And it also encourages any woman, that decides to one day give birth, to believe in her body:

Because YOU Are Superwoman: How to Harness Your Superpower and Create a Positive Birth Experiance with Minimal Medical intervention

Things are finally coming together. This baby is fully baked and ready to make an appearance.

Speaking of appearances, let me share the first official cover photo!

The cover clearly lets readers know that the topic is “birth,” but hopefully the strong, modern, and bold look and feel alludes to the tone of this birth book.

I also threw in some humor and overly personal details, just to keep it light;) Think of the book You are a Bad*ss and then add the words, At Giving Birth.

Here is the working book description:

***

Do you want a positive birth experience, but haven’t heard of any?

Do you think a more natural birth experience sounds ideal, but don’t know how to go about having one?

Have you ever wondered if other strong, educated women choose to birth with minimal medical intervention?

Fortunately, these are not your typical birth stories.

These are the remarkable stories of modern-day superheroes. A bunch of bad*ss super women, just like you. They are bold, educated, strong, and they decided to do things differently. Ultimately, they chose to make their belief in their body Plan A, while reserving the marvel of medical interventions for Plan B.

Over twenty birth stories, paired with six evidence-based steps for a Minimal Intervention (M.I.) Birth, will provide you with the confidence and skills you need to go after the birth experience that you desire. An empowering experience that likely strays far from everything you’ve been conditioned to believe about birth.

Stop simply hoping for a positive, minimal intervention birth. This book contains the specific birth plan for you, and it’s easier than you think.

***

Cursing, pooping, grunting, naked, raw, real and candid birth stories told by strong, intelligent mamas. Above all their stories will encourage fellow women that they too have everything they need to birth their baby with minimal intervention.

So here is the exciting part. Unlike childbirth where you never know the exact birthdate, this book is going to be available on Amazon on Nov. 11th, 2018! That’s just two weeks away, and I couldn’t be more thrilled for you to read it! If it lives up to the expectations of those of us that collaborated on it, this book is going to change the way women, and practitioners, think about birth.

If you’d like to get an advanced copy of Because YOU Are Superwoman in exchange for an honest review on Facebook or Amazon, join the launch team! Contact me here and include the words Launch Team in the heading – I’ll follow-up with details next week. To join the team and get your free advanced copy, I need to hear from you by Monday, Nov. 5th.

Ready to get your hands on something now? For a limited time, if you buy either of my children’s books on Amazon, you get the e-book FREE and you can start reading ASAP!

And if you are still questioning, does she really have a graphic birth video? The answer is yes.

And no.

It’s not a flattering angle, and I don’t plan to share it;)

Two Years Later; My Writing Anniversary

I can now say the last two years have been worth it all. I get to share Love You to Pieces, Beautiful Monster with literally thousands of parents; Parents that just need a good laugh and a big hug after a long day.

For a parent whose memory has gone to mush, I really heart the Facebook Memories feature. Most of the time I can’t believe things happened so long ago.

Seriously?! That concert was eight years ago!

It’s been that long since I’ve been to Europe?!

Wait. What. I used to go out on Thursday nights.

But then again, sometimes we are glad to no longer be in that season of life that we were reminded of. The reality is that it may not have been our best season.

On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% … and that’s pretty good. – unknown

Let that sink in.

***

Reflection can be difficult, but it can also be empowering. Anniversaries are the perfect time to think about where you’ve been and where you’re going.

A few days ago this photo popped up on facebook and it reminded me it had been two years since I wrote Love You to Pieces, Beautiful Monster.

Adorable right?! But those days of adjusting to motherhood were tough. Here is the post where I shared my own reflections from the last two years:

“This huge smile takes me back to a really tough time in my life. It was taken shortly after I wrote the first draft of what became the loving children’s book: Love You to Pieces, Beautiful Monster.

I can picture myself sitting in the car, two months postpartum, tears in my eyes. I was trying to figure out the new roller-coaster I had stepped on to. I constantly flowed back and forth between immense love (Did you see that smile?) and silly frustrations (feeling like I was failing at everything).

Reflecting on the last two years, I am so grateful that this Beautiful Monster broke me.

Our highs are insanely high.
We like to get it all out there by silly dancing in the kitchen to Eminem and the Beatles.

Our lows are embarrassingly low. I tell her to go watch Elmo so no one loses their shi….. , even though I hate when she sits there like a zombie.

All in all, we get to practice a lot of love and laughter in our house.

Love You to Pieces, Beautiful Monster”

I can now say the last two years have been worth it all. I get to share Love You to Pieces, Beautiful Monster with literally thousands of parents; Parents that just need a good laugh and a big hug after a long day.

The book is a chance to snuggle up to your Beautiful little Monster and relax knowing that you are doing this parenting thing just fine. Your track record is 100%.

love_you_to_pieces_B_Cover_for_Kindle — Read it Here

The Perfect Gift Idea for Baby Shower Season

No one wants to come up with a new gift idea every time an invite arrives in the mail. So here is a simple and unique idea to CYA all season.

Hey Mama,

Did you know that the most popular birth month is September?

Maybe it’s thanks to all those winter cuddles?!

Whatever the reason, all those expectant mothers will be in their third trimester come summer time. It feels appropriate to coin those months Baby Shower Season!

It may not be science, but babies seem to be contagious among friends. If you have one baby shower to attend this summer, you’ll likely have more.

No one wants to come up with a new gift idea every time an invite arrives in the mail. So here is a simple and unique idea to CYA all season.

First, order a few of these books so you have a stack on hand.

JK Coy Books Baby Season

Then, give this set of fun books so the new mom and her baby can enjoy them together.

Need a little something more? Pair it will body butter, slippers, bubble bath, a bottle of wine, or dark chocolate. All the other mamas in the house will be jealous!

Here is my other favorite baby shower gift to pair with these books. It is incredible.

If the expectant mom is miles away, keep it simple by mailing them right from Amazon. She will get them in two days, and you won’t have to hit the post office. I seriously dread going to the post office.

That was simple. Happy to help.

XOXO

– J.K. Coy

Parents Talking Dirty

There comes a time in every parent’s life where bowel movements are as common a conversation topic as discussing the weather.

After almost ten years of marriage and two young kids, think you can guess the hottest topic is in our household?

If you guessed POOP, you are correct! And if you are disgusted that I would even type that word, you clearly do not have a young child.

Honestly, I don’t know when the turning point came. The point where I lost all modesty on the subject.

Was it…

When the midwife was wiping my *ss during the birth of our beautiful daughter?
During the newborn stage when we were sleep deprived and changing 10+ diapers a day?
When our first daughter went through a phase where she would reach into her diaper and smear poop on her sheets?
When we potty trained our twenty month old and lost all dignity by referring to ourselves as “Poop Coaches” and offering “Poop Treats?” FYI Candy canes and popsicles are our aresinel of choice.
The first time we sent a text message that included a picture of our child’s “achievement”? I’m embarrassed to add that these texts have gone to family and friends at times.
At a recent dinner party where we conspired with friends to hide Miralax in our children’s sippy cups?

There have been so many defining poop moments, I really can’t say.

baby poop monster kids book — “In the middle of the night you woke me, to let me know you pooped your pants. I love you to pieces, Beautiful Monster.” Get your own copy of this honest children’s book!

But the point is, there comes a time in every parent’s life where bowel movements are as common a conversation topic as discussing the weather.

And unfortunately the talk isn’t limited to the four walls of our house anymore. It’s at daycare, work parties, over a nice glass of wine…not to mention living forever on this blog.

And even for me, someone that lost all discretion awhile ago, a new low was recently achieved. Yesterday an acquaintance at church casually asked how I was doing.

Without thinking I responded, “Pretty good, but my daughter just had an explosive diaper on my lap.”

I sent that sentence out like it was a casual text update. After the words left my mouth, I was instantly remorseful. I crossed the line. I dumped my poop talk on someone that was not in the same life stage. That is how normal poop conversations have become. I can no longer see the social line until I’ve crossed it.

Forgive me for having limited social graces these days, but parenting young kids has a way of making you feel like a human Kleenex. I had a shower yesterday morning, but two hours later it felt like it had been a week. In just a few hours I had been spit up on multiple times, wiped boogers with my sleeve, cleaned out our toddler potty five times, changed a few diapers and a blowout onsie, cleaned up all the dog poop in the yard, and had my two year old’s naked butt sitting on me while I tried to get a home workout in. None of which was out of the norm. It was all a typical Sunday.

parenthood is messy

I don’t know if there is a point to all this, other than I felt like sharing what was on my mind. And these days, my mind has gone to mush. Brown, stinky mush.

Gross.

*********************

Anyone else in that marital stage where you talk as much potty talk as we do?!

I Started a New Job the Day My Baby was Born

For twenty eight hours a week, I became the leading lady at the new topless bar in town. I had no choice. The baby had to eat.

The day my daughter was born, I started a new job. For twenty eight hours a week, I became the leading lady at the new topless bar in town. I had no choice. The baby had to eat.

shutterstock breastfeeding mama — @shutterstock

It is true. Some people picture maternity leave as one long vacation. But women everywhere are actually busy doing some of the most demanding and thankless jobs during this time – sustaining human life. In my case that meant nursing, but I assume the hours are similar for moms using formula. There is plenty of work to fill the hours we used to use at our real jobs.

While being the leading lady at the topless bar is not less significant than a fancy job that you need a degree for; you’re not going to get paid the same. People (*husband*) may refer to you as the “Boob Lady.” Your shifts will be mandated every three hours by a loud, tiny boss. You’ll suddenly have to become a logistical genius to go on a mommy vacation (Target) for more than an hour at a time.

I am not complaining. I am just speaking in facts. Those first couple months a baby eats around eight times a day, for thirty minutes per session (prepping, feeding, clean-up). Each week the math works out to about twenty eight hours (during the newborn stage), with no days off.

shutterstock breastfeeding mama 2 — @Shutterstock

In my experience, everything got a little easier with the second child. Overall, I had a better routine down. But, it still took at least thirty minutes to execute. Every three hours I would change baby, nurse and burp baby, freeze the let down milk I had collected and clean the collection cup (read how I’ve managed to build a serious freezer stash with ZERO pumping), then rock baby back to sleep or let her play on the mat.

Now that it is my second time working at the topless bar in two years, I understand that the role is temporary. My job description will change over time. “Boob Lady” doesn’t have to be my lifelong identity. However, it is a significant part of who I am right now.

And for those that have ever wondered what a new mom does with all her free time during maternity leave, come visit her at work. On the couch, where you tip her in foot massages and quality dark chocolate. **Shirts are always optional.**

Like what you’ve found on the blog? I’m always sharing life updates and humor on Facebook and Insta. Join the family! You can also buy my latest children’s books here.

Geoffrey the Giraffe’s Extinction Notice: Spring 2018

It feels like they refused to grow up, getting by on nothing more than nostalgia. Eventually memories weren’t paying the bills, and the store is now coming to a close.

I was instantly transported back to 1988, as I walked through the sliding doors with my daughter’s hand in mine.

I don’t want to grow up, I’m a TOYS “R” US kid

Very little had changed in this mega toy store. I’m certain over fifty percent of the toys that overloaded the shelves were the same toys I enjoyed during my childhood.

Fisher Price xylophones, Cabbage Patch Dolls, Lite Brites, Easy-Bake ovens, Power Wheels, the game Hungry Hungry Hippo, and Guess Who? All there for the taking.

geoffrey the giraffe 2018 toys r us through the years — Image adapted from original, original source unknown

It was a fantastic trip down memory lane for my husband and I, both products of the eighties. But not so fantastic for a dying retailer that never evolved.

They got a million toys at TOY “R” US that I can play with.

They may have gotten the million toy part correct. The store felt chaotic and overloaded with all the toys haphazardly jammed inside.

They got the best for so much less, it’ll really flip your lid.

Except no one has actually associated them with having low prices in quite some time. And in an Amazon world, it’s probably not the best idea to try to compete using copious amounts of in-store inventory. The liability is too large.

They already had a lot of square footage in their stores. They could have converted a portion of that to encourage experiences…

an entire magical Island of Sodor set-up for kids to indulge their Thomas the Train day dreams
a stage to encourage play with dress-up clothes, musical instruments, and story time
miniature houses with back yards to ignite the imagination using outdoor basket ball hoops, scooters, baby dolls, and play kitchens
a humongous Lego table featuring the best child-made creation of the day
or even a race track around the store for those Power Wheels that the kids still love today

Honestly, I’m excited just thinking about the possibilities!

Some will contend that kids are busy playing with iPads and computers and aren’t interested in the same kinds of toys. But every family I know, still has a house full of bikes, train, and video games. The toy market isn’t dead.

From bikes to train to video games, it’s the biggest toy store there is!

JK Coy — Get the latest books from J.K. Coy, Click Here

It’s just that the retail strategy has evolved and grown up since the eighties. TOYS “R” US should have revised their in-store experience long ago. It feels like they refused to grow up, getting by on nothing more than nostalgia. Eventually memories weren’t paying the bills, and the store is now coming to a close.

I don’t wanna grow up, because maybe if I did, I couldn’t be a TOYS “R” US kid!

Sadly, as of Spring 2018, no one gets to be a TOY “R” US kid.

Game over.

The Missing Toys that Torture Me

How do Moms find anything?

We search the places that someone has promised us they’ve checked.

To the missing ‘W,’

Your run is finally over.

The madness you managed to create in our house was monumental. For months my daughter’s alphabet toy had been incomplete. How was she supposed to finish learning her ABC’s when the W was missing?

No wagon, no walrus, no watermelon.

Whelp!

I searched for you, lost sleep over you, and considered offering a reward to anyone that could find you. Many times I silently resolved to give up on you. But then I always caved, because a good Mom doesn’t give up.

I admit, I got way too excited each time I thought of somewhere new to look. Surely today would be the day I found you!

But it never was. You are indeed talented at the game of hide and seek.

This morning I thought I caught a glimpse of you under the toy chest. I moved it, already planning a victory dance in my head. Instead, it was the wooden bunny from a puzzle. I hadn’t even noticed that she was missing yet, since I was still fixated on the W.

So I thought about it for way too long. At that point I was obsessed with finding you. I pictured you in hiding with the lost red crayon and plastic egg that also keep me up at night.

I thought. And I thought…clearly wasting too much time on the matter.

But then the clouds parted as the the following thought came to mind…

How do Moms find anything?

We search the places that someone has promised us they’ve checked.

No socks in the drawer, just check the drawer.

No toilet paper left in the cupboard, just check the cupboard.

No milk left in the fridge, just check the fridge.

It’s a fantastic starting place for every Mom detective.

So I held my breath, and I lowered my stomach to the floor, flash light in hand. Low and behold, there you were, waiting quietly in the darkness beneath the couch. The same couch I was guarenteed had been checked.

Well played W, well played.

Once I find the red crayon and plastic egg, you’re all in timeout.

Lady Logic: Wasted Money or Amazing Deal?

So there I was, saving money for my family, and then the Lady Logic creeps in.

You know the rationale you use to validate your crazy?

Well, that’s your Lady Logic.

Let me use myself as an example.

Today I left the house to run errands.

I had showered, and left the house by noon with a newborn. Just for that, I was pretty proud of myself.

Gold star!

Eventually I stopped by Old Navy to make returns. We had some extra outfits that we didn’t end up using for family photos this past weekend. So there I was getting $29.00 in returns done, saving money for my family.

Gold star!

And then the Lady Logic creeps in.

On the way home I stop by a children’s resale boutique, just for a peek.

The kids don’t really need anything…but then again, maybe they do?

And apparently they did.

Browse all the cute kids Toms Here. One of each please!

There were the mint condition kids Toms, because I’ll regret passing up a deal like that…

A long sleeve baby sleeper, because it’s been colder than normal here in SoCal…

The black and white Nicole Miller outfit, because everything looks cute on a toddler…

And the toddler Roxy lounge wear, because…

Just because.

My Mom is the Worst Book Cover — My Mom is the Worst available on Amazon Here

The final damage came to $32.00. And you know what? I left feeling pretty happy. I made those $29.00 in returns earlier, so it’s like I only spent $3.00 and got all these adorable “essentials.”

Gold star!

And that my friend, is Lady Logic.

***

Wasted money, or an awesome deal? You decide.

Where My Girls At? Crazy Moms Unite.

One time I got after my parents for wasting too many wipes when they were changing the baby for me.

With my first baby there were so many unspoken rules.

Not the real rules like babies should sleep on their backs, but silly rules I created in my head.

The strangest one, that I can remember right now, is that I decided we would use just one wipe for pee diapers and two wipes for poop diapers. One time I got after my parents for wasting too many wipes when they were changing the baby for me.

Looking back it was ludicrous that I thought I needed to control the number of wipes we used each time.

It’s clear I just felt like I needed to be in control of something. My world was spinning out of control those first few months as a new mom, and I didn’t know how to deal.

Well let me tell you, there is no counting of wipes with the second baby. Not because I don’t love her as much to try to control everything in the world, but because I have more perspective.

cry baby — The second child gets the hand-me-down goods (like this repurposed sign:) and a more relaxed mama.

Besides, this baby has her own agenda. The moment I start wiping her, she decides to start peeing again. If I’m lucky I can whip the diaper back up in time. But when she’s really cunning, she waits until I have just removed the old diaper, to swap in the new one, and she lets loose. Needless to say, there is a lot of wash. I thought getting peed on was supposed to be a boy thing? Shows how much I know.

It doesn’t matter how many wipes I “intended” to use, I am wiping all the lady parts down again. I burn through wipes faster than I can count. And it’s ok, because #2ndtimemom here. Who the heck cares?!

As annoying as she can be, that frozen girl was on to something. LET IT GO.

First time moms, second time moms, all the moms – what are/were you trying to control in motherhood that is plain crazy when you can think rationally about it?

For some of you, you are probably too deep in to new motherhood for you to pinpoint it now. But if your brain literally hurts all the time (like mine did), and you can barely think in full sentences, there are probably a few things on your list to start letting go of.

I don’t want to be the only crazy person up in here. Feel free to share your #crazymom moment.

You’re in a safe place. I’ve got your back mamacita;)

An Envy Worthy Freezer Stash, No Pumping Required

Two simple tips that have helped me store over eighty ounces in the first two weeks.

I had a pregnant friend that bought an extra freezer just for breast milk.

It turned out to be a bit presumptuous. She got no where near needing that freezer, with either baby. But in her defense, that’s what she figured was “normal” being that the breastfeeding mama she nannied for had an extra freezer full of liquid gold.

81JWhTfBoYL._UY679_ — Onesie available from Fayfaire HERE

In my own experience, I could barely even breast feed my first daughter for the first three months of her life.

Her latch was bad. I was in pain every time I fed her. My supply could barely keep up.

They made me feed her on each side with a shield (since I was cracked and bleeding), then pump to get the rest out and give it to her via bottle , then supplement with formula for any missing ounces. I’m exhausted just remembering that time period: Feed/Cry – Clean Pump Parts/Cry – Repeat.

I was miserable. I wanted to quit. I cried a lot. I yelled a lot. It was an ugly time. I didn’t like me, my husband probably didn’t like me…

For most new mamas, breast feeding is a tough go. If you’re lucky, the pain only lasts days. But for others it can be weeks or months.

For perspective’s sake: think of something that hurts to the point your whole body recoils. You want to cry, yell, and throw things at the same time. Now repeat that every two to three hours for weeks, with little sleep, while a little baby screams at you. That is the early days of breastfeeding.

Because of our latch issue, that was my life for almost three months.

***Yes, I did consider tongue tie surgery, hired a breast feeding coach, went to breast feeding support groups, etc. – eventually baby and I just grew out of our challenges.***

But of course, I was envious of any women with an early freezer stash.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I gave birth to Baby Two. This baby knew how to latch from day one. She’s a damn baby genius, if you ask me.

I still had to overcome that painful stage of early breast feeding (I liken it to a baby alligator aggressively chomping at my nips every three hours), but within two weeks, we were over the worst of it.

The funny thing about breast feeding is that there is nothing “natural” about it, until there is. If you’ve done it – you probably get it. It can be miserable until that magical day when you notice you’ve made it over the hump. It becomes almost easy (dare I say, natural) as your body and baby get on the same page.

I still wanted that early freezer stash (and peace of mind) that I never got with my first baby, so I decided to try something new this time around. I didn’t want to jump straight to the pump. I still really hate that thing after pumping for over a year while working full-time with my first.

And the new plan has worked! Just two weeks post partum and I’m on my way to having my own envy worthy freezer stash – WITHOUT pumping.

freezer stash milk haaka — *I’ve Since Moved the Milk to a Freezer Drawer to Prevent Thawing*

Obviously the fact that my baby knows how to latch has helped my supply. But there are two other things that have worked amazingly. Here is how I was able to store over eighty ounces in the first two weeks.

freezer stash of milk tips

1. A medical grade water bottle with a straw. Normally, I am the worst about consuming liquids. But the more I drink, the better supply I notice. I’ve started using a huge mug with a straw. It allows me to drink a lot, quickly, and it works even when I am laying down in bed, feeding.
2. A milk collector for let down. Last time around I let all that extra milk go to waste, collecting in the pads in my shirt. This time around I invested in a cheap and easy solution, similar to the Haakaa. It suctions on to the side that baby isn’t latched to and collects the let down. I like to feed the baby on both sides, so I switch it half way through. Easy to use, easy to clean, and it builds my freezer stash with no annoying pumping. I use it during about three feedings a day and I collect about 2-3 oz. each time. I had no idea I was letting that much milk go to waste last time!

Hopefully these simple tips will help another mama reach “envy worthy” freezer stash status.

Please share with other breastfeeding mamas in your life.