Tag: goal setting

Pieces of Me Died When I had Kids, and I’m Glad They Did

Not everything you did before kids was that awesome.  You had freedom, but I’m sure it wasn’t always used wisely.

If we’re being honest, little pieces of you die when you start having kids.

Hold up.  This is not some marter-fest where we sit around and talk about how our best days are gone now that we had kids.  I’ve actually come to see this as a good thing. Stick with me.

Not everything you did before kids was that awesome.  You had freedom, but I’m sure it wasn’t always used wisely.  You could have traveled the world.  You could have spent time volunteering at a children’s hospital.  You could have read more books.  I actually really hope you did!

But you all also spent a decent amount of that time picking the right filter for your rose’ picture by the pool, binge watching shows on netflix, and spending long hours sitting in front of your computer at the office.

And there is nothing wrong with any of that.

Except that kids are vacuums.  They suck up most of the hours you once had.

Because of that, pieces of you will have to die.  The great part is, you are an adult with a tiny semblance of control.  You get to pick which pieces you keep and which to let go, but you will be forced to be selective.

mom life, kids are awake, mommy brain
@mommyconvos

Read the book or watch the show?

Do your make-up or snuggle with the kids?

Take the pictures or live the moment?

Run the extra miles or write the next book chapter?

Take on the extra work project or make dinner from scratch?

This is not a test, there is no wrong answer.  But you still need to chose wisely.  Not because one is bad and the other is good.  Chose wisely because there is less time that you have to work with.  If you don’t intentionally chose, you will feel like there is never any time, and feel resentful that all the former pieces of you were forced to die.   Thanks kiddos.

Your goals will naturally need to be fewer in number, incredibly focused, and likely with a grace-filled (ie longer than you would like) timeline.  Coincidently, that is actually a great formula for successfully accomplishing your goals with or without kids.

Before kids, it’s just easier to assume you will act later because you own all the hours.  But when kids are present, you don’t know which hours will be yours.  You have to be intentional.  You need the day’s game plan in your head so that when the minutes and hours appear, you can seize them.

Do you see how kids can actually be a highly effective tool at helping you decide what the best pieces of you are?  Go tell that sweet baby thank you.  Unless they are sleeping.  In that case DO NOT WAKE THEM!

My current goal is getting my third book finished up.  I literally have one step for it, each day, that I plan to complete.  Beyond that I don’t even try because with young kids I wouldn’t be setting myself up for success or happiness.  After I finish that one goal, I let my kids guide most of the day.  My goals are few and focused, and accomplishing them takes much longer than I’d like.  But I get to enjoy my kids in between.   It makes me happy knowing that there is a small, but very important, piece of me still thriving amongst that chaos.

Amazon Rank, My Mom is the Worst #1 Motherhood
My Mom is the Worst Children’s Book, Available on Amazon Here

Which pieces of you have you intentionally chosen to focus on once having kids?

Are You a Finisher or a Perfectionist? You Don’t Get to be Both.

Eight Steps to help you finish your goals.

Here’s a recipe for a stressful workplace:  pair a Perfectionist and a Finisher up daily, and then just sit back and watch the tension build.  This was my life for three years.

The Finisher is prone to try and simplify tasks to complete the essence of the project, while the Perfectionist is all about adding levels of complexity to make things the very best they can be.  I’m sure that the Perfectionist thinks their way is best, and the Finisher obviously thinks their way is best.  Jon Acuff’s book, Finish, will tell you that you can’t be both.  I was listening to this book on Audible as I was finishing my second children’s book, My Mom is the Worst.

author, finish, my mom is the worst book
Post Workout and 34 wks. pregnant.  Clearly I’m not going for Instagram perfection here.

Turns out I am a Finisher (which I could have already told you).  I am not perfect, but my strength is that I am going to pick out the most critical parts of a project (those that will have the biggest impact), focus on that, and let the other pieces go, if needed.

In the last year I started (brainstormed, wrote, edited, hired illustrators, provided creative briefs, designed layouts) and finished (published and continue to promote) two children’s books.  If I were a perfectionist there is no way I could have done that.  The ideas would likely still be in my notebook, on draft 342.

Or if I were a highly motivated perfectionist, I may have made it though the initial draft, but be too scared to publish the work until I had a few more sets of eyes on it.

Here’s the funny thing.  Let’s say that the book (or any project) technically makes it to perfect status in the creator’s mind.  Guess what?  Once it’s out there for the world to see, everyone is not going to agree that it is the cutest, most perfect, little baby they ever saw. **Except mine.  I make pretty cute babies (and books).**

So if perfect is what you are going for, that feeling is going to be very short lived.  Once other people start getting their hands on it, the (positive and negative) feedback will begin.

Don’t let perfectionism hold you back.  Produce, adapt, and continue to create.

Speaking of feedback, since I already lean toward a Finisher mindset, every strategy in Jon’s book was not something mind-blowing and new.  However, there were many points that I did connect with.

Finish, My mom is the worst, beautiful monster books v2

Here are my Top Eight Ways to Help You Get to Finished: 

  1.  Studies prove: the less you aim for perfection, the more productive you are.
  2. Perfection or finished, those are your two choices.  Not perfection or failure.
  3. Say no to shame. Decide what you will bomb in advance.  Then become confident in your decision.
  4. Winners quit stupid stuff all the time.  Don’t continue something stupid out of a need for being perfect.
  5. What are your secret rules that hold you back?  Define them so that you can work on them.
    • For transparency and growth purposes, here are two of mine:  1. A fear of spending money on my business goals.  I have seen friends and family members spend a lot of money on their businesses and still fail.  How do I know if I am throwing money at something, or spending money wisely, to advance my business goals?  Especially when it comes at a cost to my family.  2.  How do I know which opportunities to turn down so that I spend my time most efficiently; holding out for the opportunities that will have the biggest impact?
  6.  Borrow someone else’s diploma.  Meaning borrow knowledge from others.  You don’t have to know it all.
  7. You need to track data points to understand your progress.  Benchmarks are important to understand if you are moving in the right direction to eventually reach your goals.
  8. We don’t ever age out of needing someone to believe in us.

Number eight is a favorite, and why I published my first book.  I had written the book but didn’t intend to do anything significant with it (full story here).  With just a bit of encouragement from my husband, I decided to take the next step in learning how to publish it.  The actual action plan, and work involved, were on me.  But because someone else believed in me, I believed in myself enough to start and finish.

I believe in you and your goals one hundred percent.  Don’t let perfectionism kill you.  Focus on the details that will get you to your goal, and let the rest go.  You are going to crush it in 2018…or 2020…or 2030…whenever you are reading this.  Wise advice never expires.